Guard your heart and your mind...Be careful what you see little eyes, Be careful what you hear little ears....

I hope you are well and that in reading this posting there might be some interesting food for thought, and that you take it with peace, in the way I am intending to share it. 

Intro....
"Be careful what you ask for", is a common, often light-hearted warning,  you've likely heard before. It might have been when you were a kid and wishing you didn't have a brother (to annoy you so much), or when you were tired of your colleagues at work and wishing you had more time with your family. Well, I have good news for you, all those times that we've silently or not so silently wished for more down time in life, that time is here. I know I have both thought and spoken the words "if I could just pause the world and catch up on activities A, B, and C, that would be great". Well, I would say this time in history is about as close to that as any of us might ever get, this side of heaven.

What have you been doing with this time?

While I want to both start and keep this post a light-hearted and yet heart felt conversation, I hope to share some stimulating and perhaps challenging personal thoughts. I completely believe that we are in a notable time in history, but also a pivotal one. The current global reaction to this most recent 'new' virus presents many opportunities, along with the challenges, both big and small. There is the choice in front of each of us as to how we respond in our behavior, but perhaps also more importantly, what we choose to feel and think about what is happening. Actions taken now will have a major impact on the future. Leaders decisions about lock-downs will have far reaching consequences on the global economy. Individuals' choices of personal behavior can literally have life and death consequences. This is not me saying everyone should stay home for months on end and never go out etc.

Rather, my point is one that can only be grasped upon internal reflection. Are you aware of what is driving your daily behavior? Your decisions, even while they seem to be outwardly limited? Your choice to mentally embrace or take action out of fear or freedom will not only have both immediate and long term implications on your situation, but these choices create patterns in your head and heart which will have an impact far deeper and lasting than might be realized. I know because I have lived this before. I've been faced with the choice to fear and respond out of that fear, or to choose into truth, that I do not know what might happen, but my good Father, God, does, and He is victorious, working everything for good. As I often here from a norcal church team of pastors, and strongly agree with - if the outcome is not good, it is not the end.

I speak from a place of great frustration surrounding the poor risk management of global leaders, nausea toward the media choices of what and how to print in today's society, and sadness at the choice of many people to live in fear instead of truth and with a spirit of authority. Yes, I know many of you reading this post are not followers of Jesus Christ, and from that perspective I completely believe that some of my points are not resonating with you, but if you'd like to live in freedom, and grow in peace and hope, go ahead and pick up a Bible and start reading, check out https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=John%2021;&version=NIV, or just start talking to God and see what He says back to you. For those of you who know Christ, this is a golden opportunity for you to choose joy and lean into the peace that passes all understanding.

1 Corinthians 14:33

For God is not a God of disorder but of peace—as in all the congregations of the Lord’s people.

Philippians 4:7

And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

Do not misunderstand my comments here or in this post. I am not belittling death or any other loss being incurred by the current pandemic, or suggesting to disrespect authorities or the law. I am trying to share thoughts from perhaps a new perspective to you based on my own personal growth living in war zones and with deadly diseases, militia groups, and even local military groups ravaging the communities around me. I too must again make my choice to stand in solidarity with those already grounded in faith and hope of good things to come, and that the sickness and evil in this world is NOT as we are intended to live. We are designed for greatness. We are were created in the image of the almighty God who can, who will, and who is, working what the evil one intended to destroy, our good God is able to make beauty, glory, and hope come out of it.

Personal Context

I am a thinker, much more than a feeler. I take action far more based on reason and logic than on my emotions (this of course has it's positives and negatives). This tendency has definitely contributed to my ability to work in challenging environments, war zones with death and destruction very near to myself and those I am entrusted to lead and care for, centers for deadly disease outbreaks, areas in famine and great distress, and  communities with general insecurity from sometimes unidentifiable yet incredibly hostile and active well armed groups. I have not only worked in these places, but I have been a key person of the risk management team(s) (think, security and safety team). I recognize well that my experiences are unusual and I have practice at living in uncertain times, evaluating contexts, and accepting what I can control, and being able to 'make peace' with the fact that I do not know control everything that I wish I could. But that decisions and actions still must move ahead.

A miniature lesson in Risk Management 

Point one, think about what is going on around you, gather known facts, decide what you can do in your control and leave the rest.

While all of this may be different from your background, I absolutely believe that you are capable of living without fear both today and during whatever might happen tomorrow or next week, next month, or next year. Think with me for a moment from a purely head-centric point of view. Some Ebola stains kill 90% of those infected, most recent outbreak was closer to 65%. Cancer is responsible for 1 in every 6 deaths, Cholera kills, at the low end, at a rate of 20% of those infected, current rate in our situation is well below 5%. Strictly statistically speaking, risks of serious illness/death are relatively very low (Again, I am NOT saying this does or should undervalues those who do get sick/die). But my point is not to do a stats analysis on the worst case scenario happening and then simple carry on. My point is that when there is a risk of something bad happening, it is very possible to work over the problem to understand if and what real dangers might exist and how to best manage, avoid, or transfer those risks. While ever person does this intuitively, I know many do not do it consciously.

This above, is your first lesson in Risk management, if you have never had one. You do this constantly in life, but may not realize it. When you choose to put on your seat belt in the car, you are mitigating the risk of death in a car accident by choosing to wear the safety belt. By not traveling to Sudan in the middle of an ethnic conflict you are avoiding the risk of harm by the decision not to go. By driving your child to school instead of putting them on the school bus, you avoid the risks of him getting bullied on the school bus, but you increase the risk of him being involved in a car accident by his increased time in a car. Of course there are many, many other factors at play in these decisions. Which is exactly the case with this pandemic. There are many factors at play. There is not single, certain, perfect decision for a nation, a state, or a household. Risk management is about understanding what factors matter, when, that context is key, and that risks ARE different for different individuals, families, countries, etc.  

Point two, take action, or not, based on truth, not on fear. Consider the plight of other nations apart from the current pandemic to help you put things in context.

Aside from the headcentric commentary above, if you are in a developed nation, I encourage you to consider what it is like for the billions of people who live in contexts where deadly diseases are a far more regular part of life than in the western world. I encourage you to deeply question the messages and how especially western media is communicating about the current 'crisis'. Consider, how you might be responding if 99.9% of the current western new articles were not only focused on the virus and its consequences, but rather they continued to cover other stories and events around the globe?

When was the last time you read or a news story not related somehow to the pandemic? Next time you turn on the TV, scroll through the internet or click on your phone, see what you can find. I say this as a genuine challenge. I myself am constantly searching around for unrelated stories, because make no mistake, there are many things still going in the world. You may not agree, but to me the media has been consumed beyond reason and often fear-mongering during recent weeks. What is this doing to our hearts and minds? What has it done already? Who are you becoming and what are you believing by reading and listening to this? What if we stepped back and considered the bigger picture?

You are a child of the King of Kings, you have authority over this earth and everything in it. You have the power to chose life and truth. Are there bad things in the world? Yes. But everything in your life as a believer is able to be worked for good by the Creator of the Universe.

We are each on our own journey toward eternity. We are given the gift and opportunity to accept great freedom and have the choice each moment to keep it or let it be stolen by the evil one, via lies we accept, or fear we allow to stay in our hearts or mind. I speak these things from personal experience, of times when I know I have let lies take root in my mind and control my actions in ways I should not have allowed.
There are times of great struggle and yet, each moment is an opportunity to live in freedom, grace, joy, and excitement as what is to come. I chose truth, and faith in what God tells me --even if I do not see it or feel it. Because He knows, and He is good, and He is truth, He is God and I am not, He has already claimed victory and I know I am on the winning side.

1 Peter 5:8

Be alert and of sober mind. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour.

2 Corinthians 10:5 

We break down every thought and proud thing that puts itself up against the wisdom of God. We take hold of every thought and make it obey Christ.

Deuteronomy 31:6

Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the Lord your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you.

Part 2 of 2: (Still) Off beat and seeking stillness...

Sunset in Sonora

Hi all,

If you did not yet have a chance to read last weeks blog posting (and part one of this) please feel free to do so before jumping in below. Or not. As you like. But if you dive right in I take no responsibility for your confusion, if you read the first part on the other hand, I take full responsibility for your confusion. Cheers!

Do you know yourself? May seem like a totally unrelated question to music, stillness, and being out of sync as I was speaking about last week, right? Well, it's not. Do you know yourself? God knows you. You should be the one on this planet who knows you best. Do you? Do you take time to know yourself in Him?

Maybe you're not so into the God thing, again, another topic, but really, when was the last time you were still? To be. To listen to the STILL small voice inside? Don't get me wrong, I know this is not easy. It is not easy to find the time or metaphorical space (or often even a physical place) to be still. On the occasion that I get myself to physical place in which I would like to be still, I then face the challenge of my active brain. At times I wish I could open my head, take out my brain and stop it running. We, or should I say "I", I am so wired, have so trained myself to go-go-go---GO faster! Than when I try to say stop - at best I need a cool down lap (or two) before I can be still. Really still.

Sunset in Sonora, CA

This afternoon God was playing with clouds and sun outside and kept on inviting me to come join. It took me a couple of hours to answer the call and take a seat on the deck glider swing. To watch the sunset, with the long low light across the hills in front of me and the sun popping out of the high clouds to turn the hills and trees gold before setting behind the next layer of clouds that were blowing by. As I sat and was trying to read (wanting to make my stillness productive of course) each time I looked up my gaze lingered longer and longer before looking back down at my book.

It was spectacular.

I sat and listened to robins flittering around (no, 'flittering is not a real word, in case you were wondering), geese over head, a very distant plane motor, a train many miles away honking, the cows, horses, and dogs at least a mile below me in the valley enjoying the last bit of sun on them. A flock of robins swished down from the roof over my head, making the sound of dozens of falling arrows.(Because I am very familiar with the sound of dozens of falling arrows - haven't you seen Lord of the Rings?) If I were the reactionary type I might have feared something was falling from the sky as I heard the loud swishing sound before seeing what it was.

Sunset in Sonora, CA, USA

Stillness is remarkable. To be, when so much around us is doing. To know our place and our value because we know ourselves (ching- back to the starting question, did you catch that!?) and our purpose from time spent alone, with God, in nature (or whatever refreshes you with something real in a world so full of superficiality). Doing 'nothing' as life is always turning and teaming around us. It is when others are dancing and I am sitting still that it is the most challenging to disconnect, and yet often the most essential. The challenge of putting down and walking away from the phone, stopping the language lesson, eating dinner later than normal, or skipping my movie night to make time and to escape it all. In times that seem the most difficult, it can be the most critical and life giving moment to sit in peace and stillness.

Aaaand, again. 

Because dancing a dance is not tracing or copying someone else's footsteps, nor is running a race, or building a edifice. To dance a dance one goes forward as the other goes back, running a race requires you to stay in your lane and do your utmost to complete that race to the best of your ability, conquering the mental battle of self before you can ever accomplish the physical race. And constructing a building requires different tools, skills, over a long time frame, with a variety of workers doing his or her part at a particular stage. It would not work if the framer, electrician, roof man, and plumber were trying to do their part at the same time. Each works in their own stride, own time, with their own constraints, to complete his or her individual best work, which in turn contributes to an even greater end result with benefits multiplied from the smaller contributions of each engaged person.


A very good articulation of this I read recently:

If we overextend ourselves beyond our personal calling and don't prune (quit) our activities that are fruitless, we use the capacity we do have on things that don't really matter. Thus, we undermine our divine responsibility and derail our destiny.(pg140)Poverty, Riches and Wealth

Lovely Yosemite Falls

In general I love my off beat life, not only what I do and how I do it, but the very fact that it is different from so many others. This is true for each of us (I hope). There is great value in many things in our lives, but what if we became better at BEING a human-being instead of trying to be a human-doing. The pit of self worth that will never be filled by hundreds of likes on Instagram, shares on Twitter, forwards on emails, can be filled in stillness, truth, knowing you are deeply valued and profoundly loved by a heavenly Father. Grounding ourselves in our incomparable and priceless worth to the King of Kings.

I'm all about action. (Dang it, did I just completely undo the whole post with that comment?!) I mean, I am about muscle memory and visual and physical reminders of important things. :) Put a stake in the ground, a physical one, that you can return to, because it is from that place of certainty, of having taken the time to know oneself, knowing one's value and purpose, that one can change the world.

Because  music always sounds better when someone plays on the up beat and the down beat (together, yet distinctively different and individual) and it is those who are strong enough to set a new beat who change the direction of the song, which then shifts the mode of the room, and carries out to new melodies in the streets!

I hope to have another post for you next week, but don't have too high of expectations. I am already setting records with two weeks in a row!

Until then, May you fill your mind with stillness and the streets with new melodies,
Jessica

Off beat and seeking stillness...(Part 1 of 2)

Ok, a question for you, how often do you take your phone into the bathroom with you?

I suspect the answer is more often than we even realize any more.

Kabul, Afghanistan sunset

We are apparently so stretched for 'time' in our lives that either we are trying to be efficient by multi-tasking while in the bathroom doing whatever it is we might be doing in there OR perhaps we are so addicted and dependent on our phones and the often falsely inflated sense of self-worth they bring to us by giving the impression we are always needed and thus busy, or by being noticed via likes, that we simply cannot bare to part with them for even a few minutes.

When I was working in DRCongo last year, much of the time I was managing one or more phones that any staff member could call, in case of an emergency. And while there might be 'emergencies' similar to those in the western world, it was more likely to be a situation of insecurity that was threatening or endangering staff , which would be the reason I would get a call. For much of the time I managed 3 different phones. (Don't ask why 3, that is another post about humanitarian aid workers, and how many and why they carry all their phones.) I had the 3 phones on my person nearly 24 hrs a day. My staff (and my seamstress) knew I only wanted clothes with pockets in them to ensure I never set down and walked away from a phone. Yes, I took them into the bathroom with me. I slept with them charging, sitting by my pillow so I wouldn't miss any communication during the night (lets hope they never prove doing that causes brain cancer). The only time I didn't have them was while taking my bucket shower in the small shower room. This was only because there was no where to put them in the room where they would not get water damaged.
Do I think this was healthy to be so attached to the phones? No.
Do I think it was relevant and necessary, in that specific context? Absolutely.

Montreux, Switzerland sunset

Did it have a psychological impact on me? Yes, without question. Even a physical one, trying to carry them around all the time gets exhausting. Play any of those ring tones now and my pulse increases. Take my phone to far from me now and I'll occasionally get concerned I may have missed a text that causes a life threatening situation. Eeks, not a good feeling.

That is obviously an extreme and out of the norm situation. It may be that the reasons I behaved that way would not be commonly repeated, but arguably there are many people with similar behavior, facing similar effects on their life, without much awareness, or perhaps just without much concern of the impact on themselves. The assault on our senses and competition for our attention and time is very real for each of us, no matter where we are in the current global context.

Goma, DRCongo Sunset

If I consider my own life, and how many of my choices have led me down a very different path than my average peer, it could be easy to think that my off beat life brings up uncommon problems. Though I must say the comment is not entirely untrue, I think my effort to find peace and stillness and the challenges there in are on pare with so many of you, who also have challenges in finding these things.

Taking a snapshot of my life and surroundings at any particular moment, you would likely find that I indeed appear out of sync, an odd fit for my environment, or off beat with those around me or from others in my age bracket.

When I go east, many peers get married, when I go west they are having kids. When I go to a gym class in the middle of the day it is only retired people there, when I get on a 2nd plane to get to a far away place there is a striking change in the composition of the cabin population, shifting from daily transiting, suit-wearing business men to - everyone else. When I am out of the country living in a war zone, people still ask the typical questions of someone else of a similar age, "have you met someone? Are you married?" Lately, it is less often that and more often the leading question of 'how many kids do you have?', the assumption being - at my age of course I would be married. One airport passport controller got so far in his own assumptions that he was telling me I had 10 kids and I wishing me a good visit with my husband during my visit to South Africa - neither of which I have of course. Back in the US it is no longer weddings I am going to in person, but rather the exposure of baby photos on social media, which seem to drown out the existence of any other concurrent reality. As each of us walk our path, the variety of lives crossing creates beauty, and as I look at my own life which seems so off beat with so many others, it is actually the off beat which enhances the actual beat. For the musicians out there, we need music both on the up beat and the down beat to make real music.

Keeping this mix of lives, and paths in mind and the remarkable cacophony of music that comes from the variety of beats, I want to bring us back to the challenge of finding 'space' to be still. To listen well for the next right step in life, or simply to find time to thank God for blessings, reflect back on joys and challenges in the everyday life, so we do not wake up at age 64 and wonder where life went and what happened to us.

Kandahar, Afghanistan Sunset

The modern world has merry-go-rounds on whole sale all over the place. Of course they are not sold directly, but rather piece by piece until you have your very own, never ending, never stopping merry-go-round for life that is very challenging to step off of without injuring oneself. There are mostly good pieces, but some bad mixed it, making it all the more difficult to extricate. The pole of late night binge TV show watching is some how holding up your energy of connecting with people outside your comfort zone- part of the roof. And the principle stay away from quick fixes for your health led to strong makings of a horse seat, but it has yet to be put together. Round and round we go with no planned break in between rounds, or even a walkway to step off and back on easily. Of course this is not the way everyone lives. But it is the dominant way of life withing our current cultural. So if we are not running our own merry-go-round, we may find it very hard to interact with those around us who are going round and round.


Humanitarians are presumed to be pouring into others every minute of every day. And while many of us would love to do that if any of us had the capacity, in the end, we are all human too and need self care. It is not just humanitarians who project this selfless image, or indeed attempt to live it out to the degree possible on this side of heaven - but also many parents, teachers, pastors, administrators.  This weariness of giving of oneself from one's own resources is real for so many people, so much of the time. How recently have you heard a friend, colleague, or neighbor share about having some 'strange' reaction, medical condition, allergy, or whatnot that you catch yourself thinking, 'ya, sure how much of that is made up in their mind?' Well, maybe it is in their mind, maybe there is a physical unusual manifestation of some kind of the stress they are working through. Either way, they need rest. They need peace. Their body needs stillness, at least for some period of time.

Diego, Madagascar Sunset

One advantage to my off beat rhythm of a life is often a sense of freedom to make unusual decisions. When most people around me either don't comprehend my decisions anyway, or just know me well enough to know that being on my own beat, with unpredictable choices, is to be expected. I usually receive far less societal resistance if I take 3 months off a formal work contract, than if the guy down the street came home to his family and said 'hey, I think I am going to take a couple of months off to sleep, think, pray, and be refreshed.' He might get a good laugh out of his family followed by confusion as he tried to convince them he was serious.

Yes, of course, I understand that money makes the modern world go round, and some people's decisions are indeed guided only by their financial obligations or entanglements, this is another conversation. I am discussing those of us who have reasonable flexibility in life circumstances, who still, in spite of freedom to choose differently, simply consciously or unconsciously go round and round on the merry-go-round to some degree. Those who never bother to get off, stop their head from spinning, and take a walk around the proverbial fair; to see other rides, people, or places. Or even enjoy our own merry-go-round we have spent so much time and effort to build, from a different, more grounded angle.

Beni, DRCongo sunset

Come back next week for the conclusion of this already very long blog posting...

I always love to hear from you too. 
Please give feedback, comments, even questions below, might even be able to incorporate into part 2 for next week!

Goma, DRCongo sunset

[Post originally written mid-2019, but not posted until now] I bet you thought I disappeared......

Hi all,

Will you be surprised if I start the typical way, by saying `it has been a while since my last post`?

Because it has been a while since my last post. :)

As usual, I feel I have too much and nothing to say at the same time. I sit here in Beni, Democratic Republic of the Congo on a Sunday afternoon, having spent most of the morning trying to sleep through the local Sunday morning services going on, eventually giving up my efforts and moving on to catching up on signing documents that were processed and awaiting my signature while I have been away the past two weeks.

I think it might be best to take some time to give you an idea of my context, both in the moment, but also a bit broader as well. This post may seem a bit bland, but may still be a bit informative if one wishes to better understand the context and some jargon of aid work.

I think each of us in our own way both feel our life is ordinary and extra-ordinary. Let me elaborate. As we go through life, how often do you have someone ask you to explain what your life looks like?  Ok, maybe not so often for some, but if someone asked you this, what would you say? I imagine that you might find it challenging to explain to some random person who had no basis for understanding your life, what it was really like. There are after all, many layers to our lives and selves. Thus, in the spirit of wanting to share and perhaps have some fun with providing more information to those who may not be directly involved in humanitarian aid work with a bit more insight, so when next you ask someone (me, or someone else) working in aid work about it, you might hearken back to this and other posts to give you some grounding on which to build your conversation(s).

Random view along the roadside.

 More simply put, we all get tired of answering certain repeat questions in our lives and so lets talk about one phrase that could, can, does, lead to a lot of questions and confusion. I often find it challenging to relate to friends and family what field life is like and even to explain the dynamic of what a particular individual means when he or she says `field life`.

For example, if you ask someone at the HQ (ahh, right there, see, this is culture, abbreviations. The aid world, NGOs are known to be over users of abbreviations. Whether this is due to laziness or efficiency is arguable.) (FYI, HQ = headquarters, NGO = non-governmental organization, aid world = Humanitarian aid global community, FYI = for your information :))

Ok, we should be good to continue now. As I was saying....if you asked someone at HQ what field life is, they would likely mean the main office in any particular country of work (or any office actually) in some far flung nation where their colleagues work. In my current country of work, the main office would be considered the Goma office (not the capital, but still the main base in DRC). If you speak to someone working in the Goma office and they refer to the field, they are talking about one of the offices further away from the main entry point of the country. So when speaking with people when one is physically in Goma, who refers to the field, it is a reference about both geographical location, but also an inference as to the level of difficulty (and time it takes) to actually arriving at the office. Thus, one option in my context would be the Beni office, where I am currently based.

To get here, one can fly into Goma and take a small UN plane north to Beni. Or, one can fly into Kigali in neighboring Rwanda, drive 3-4hrs to cross the boarder into Goma and then do the flight north. There are overland routes, but due to a variety of groups of militia/rebels on the road around in eastern Congo, it is not advisable to travel the ground routes in many areas. If one prefers to travel via road you will exit DRC into Uganda go north or south (depending on if you are going or coming from Beni), and then re-enter DRC at destination city.

If you speak to someone in Beni about working in the field, this will then be referring to our team members who go by land cruiser or motorbike for several hours, or days in some cases, out to small communities to work directly with beneficiaries. Even among this group of people, still, there may be another leg to travel, and again referred to as those going to the field to work. So you see, such a simple phrase as field work, can take on a great many meanings, depending on who is saying it and where he or she might be physically and geographically sitting when saying said phrase.

In many cases, those at one level, often give an extra measure of awe and respect to those at the next level of field work (those who are "further out", in the field, as it were), due to the fact that general comfort decreases and insecurity increases as you go "further out".

So of course, at this point, when I say that I work in the field you all know what I mean, yes?

For me, I work in the field, at the Beni office level, which is extreme to some while also being not as extreme as others. When one considers field living, it is pretty comfortable, especially when one considers the local context and the average life of our neighbors.

[Note, this is where I give you a visual/mental picture to grab on to for this particular level of in fieldness. You're welcome.]

Lounging on a porch across from my bedroom, near the front gate.

I can paint the picture for you. I sit here in a walled compound, with plenty of razor wire around it, some green areas- minimal, both a generator and the updated humanitarian approach of solar panels and batteries for power can both be seen and heard at times. We drink from large 20 L containers of bottled water, boil water if we wish to have a warm bucket shower, and wonder of wonders have (most of the time) flushing toilets. We cook with a gas burner (yes, those things most people use when they are roughing it when camping, or not at all) attached to the gas canister a meter away (if you dont know what a meter is I will let you look that one up). They say the full gas canister should be several yards away from the open flame, but who really has tubing that long and a place to put the canister outside of the kitchen room? Just put it on the other side of the room and call it good.The guard is more aptly called a gate keeper, except when they are not [a gate keeper] and let random people into the compound and then get fired (true story). Which was the case last weekend. Generally to have one^s own room is a luxury and in community living, depending on the mix of ethnicities  and cultures you have living together all space can be considered common space, unless specified otherwise. Even then, you take your chances.

Wifi, yet essential for work and sanity, can still be hard to come by, and having expectations that this will always work at those critical moments is a foolish hope and one that will regularly be dashed. Washing of clothes generally happens by the local mamas who are local women employed to support our busy lives with cooking and cleaning for us. (Have not doubt, they are highly valued and capable women, let me tell you.) Of course if you have any expensive, delicate or  meltable clothing items you want to hide these away so they are not completely destroyed via the hand washing (not delicate cycle) and ironing that takes place after the line dry outside to ensure no unfriendly larva are living in the clothes and thus transfer to you upon wearing. Taking the personal hand washing and drying your things inside approach, is advisable for the a fore mentioned items which require greater delicacy.

Privacy, noise, calmness, volume controls on sound systems, all seem to have time and place in the world I grew up in, yet I have found, quite often, that one's need to adapt is of the utmost importance.

In western cultures, privacy is highly prized, understood, and generally easily given. In many developing countries, community living is the norm, large families, or large mixes of families due to many deaths, as well as small land plots, and limited funds for sound proof houses, etc. all play into  a sense that someone is always around and always watching. The close living conditions are not stopped by mere walls or some razor wire. The school out the back of our compound somehow always seems to have children in it playing, singing, or chanting their lessons (do they EVER go inside?!). The church a hundred feet away, by turning up their sound system to distortion, is typical in giving a warm welcome to all who which to come and participate, and even to those who wish to stay home and participate because there is no need to move from one's home if you can hear the entire service within a mile radius. Having said that, I am very grateful that they are not as other typical local churches in several ways.

My room. Yes, I have a sink in my room and it is awesome.
No, the bars on the windows do not mean I am in a jail cell.

First, they seem to begin their services at the reasonable (and consistent) hour of 9am, instead of 7am or 5am as many churches have it. Secondly, the main singer actually seems to be quite nice and there is an actual band which generally seems to know the songs and play well together (together being the  key word in that sentence). This is also not the norm, as it is more often recorded music blaring out, generally crowd and music in competition to overwhelm the other when it is only the neighbors who end up being overwhelmed. Additionally, our neighbor church seems to take breaks between songs, so you can remember yourself during the breaks, and lastly, their sermons seem to be well communicated, opposed to someone yelling angrily, as loud as possible into the mic. In the end, there are a lot of cultural differences, which do not encourage my appreciation for a generic local church service, but the times I have the courage and motivation to go, I always find something to appreciate about them. In this case, I can enjoy the good voices and music, and reasonable timing of it all, usually only from about 8 or 9am to 11 or 12, which occasional additions for several hours in the afternoon.

There of course are other local noises, such as the heard of goats passing outside while I type, and more often than not the humm of the generator in the back ground. In our case as well, we have managed to have a pet cat - kitten, who you never really know is there until she decides she is hungry and whines around trying to find the most sympathetic and kind-hearted team member to feed her (or the biggest sucker. All in how you look at it). The cat some how makes me think of children who are clever enough to manipulate their parents, knowing who and when will be the most vulnerable to his request. As the cat always knows who is going to give in first and hand her some food instead of allowing her to strengthen her hunting skills and make herself useful around the compound by rat and mouse catching. (I can let you guess where I fall on the scale).

Indeed, I am not sure if I have enlightened you or simply run out of breath before you fell asleep from boredom, but we have arrived at the conclusion of my stream of consciousness for the moment. Congratulations on your survival.

As this has been a catch up post from more than 6 months ago, I hope to bless you with a more updated post very quickly, indeed, perhaps even several additional posts in the near future. But do not get your expectations too high.

Just another day on the road. 

For the time being, let me say how grateful I am that you would bother to read this far and I hope it has added a bit of joy and zest to your day - if only to offer a distraction from whatever was a less desirable task in front of you in comparison - which assisted in my writing holding your attention this long. :)

Until next we meet. Blessings.
Jessica

Where I am coming from and Where I am going...

Hi All,

Here we are again....almost 8 months later, after my previous post. I have indeed started multiple posts, about Kilimanjaro last May/June, about the end of my time in Madagascar last October, and about my processing journey since then, December, and yet finally here we are - 8 months later and I am sitting in Aweil, South Sudan having not ACTUALLY posted in 8 months.

I find it hard to decide if this should be a 'life update' in terms of life events or in terms of the mental and spiritual processing and growth. Hmm, can we include a bit of both? If you can bare it if  I jump around a bit?

So last we left I was headed to Kilimajaro last May, right? right. ok. Great. It was great. really, really great. It was 7 days of walking outside on a giant, awesome mountain with only the handful of people in our group disturbing the awesomeness of God's creation and the highest point on the African continent and highest free standing mountain in the world. I was very thankful for my training that I had endured the months leading up to the trip. As well as the painstaking planning and preparation I had done to pack my bag with all the important items as well as to avoid carrying any non-essential items. This process involved many online orders being sent to CA where my parents helped me evaluate the orders (via skype tryon sessions), packed my suitcase, sought out specific items I requested and then sent it across the country to the parents of one of my work colleagues who were going to come and visit her and willing to hand carry mypiece of luggage with my things into the country to ensure (or at least make it less likely) that nothing was stolen in the process of me getting my items.

In the end it took a village to get me well prepped for the hike, and the hike itself was far easier than any aspect of the preparation. I LOVED IT. Except for how expensive it was, which is a major deterrent for doing the whole thing again. Yes, it was hard, yes, it took lots of time and energy to plan, book, get there and do it, and recovery time after, but how beautiful, peaceful, challenging, and rewarding an experience it was.

My favorite kind of experiences.

While in Tanzania, I was able to visit with and meet the family of a friend I met the first time I was in Tanzania in 2004 when I did a trip right after high school graduation. How fun to get to meet up with one of our translators from that trip, with whom I have remained in contact and get to stay with his family and meet his 4 kids and remarkable wife and other family members. I was also able to meet up with the missionary couple Harold and Connie who many of you may know and who started Hope of the Nations.

They are beyond amazing and had way more energy than I did when I was the one on vacation! I loved getting to hangout and follow them around for a few days seeing the awe-inspiring work they do and teams they have built and simply get to BE there.

Be still. Listen. Be. I ended up  staying in a missions compound that was built for large visiting groups, big rooms with lots of beds, large bathrooms and joint kitchen and living area, made for western groups (i.e. with modern conveniences)  of perhaps 30 or more in one building. I stayed there alone, with no internet connection.

Bliss. Pure bliss. No expectations, no disturbing anyone, no adapting to anyone else's habits or ''-isms''. It was movie night every night!! :)

Anyway, clearly you get the idea, my trip to Tanzania last spring was a lovely one. I returned for a matter of weeks to work in Madagascar before jumping back to the US for my grandparents 60th wedding anniversary celebration and family reunion. This was also wonderful and a very rare special occasion. Lots of fun times now that I have 4 nieces and nephews (though at the time it was only 3).


Thanks brothers for doing all the work of having and taking care of the kids and letting me play and have all the fun. :)

Then I headed back to Mada to complete my contract by early October and see where I might be headed next. The final months in the 4th largest island in the world, off the east coast of the African continent were not the best I have had in life. To put it simply and mildly, my time there was excruciatingly challenging in about every way imaginable. I am very thankful for the few supportive connections I did have there with indoor soccer and church, who I relied heavily on. I did finish my time with a great deep field trip visit, sloshing through deep mud and water as well as some fun travel with one of my friends and colleagues with whom I had worked in Afghanistan.We traveled up and down the western side of the island.

I also spent the last couple of month rather ill, hoping to make it back to the States for treatment I did little other than march on, until it was a bit much and eventually tried to get some in country treatment. I recovered somewhat in my final few weeks, and was more than ready to end my time in the sub-tropical land of Baobab trees and lemurs. (FYI lemurs are friendly. Too friendly. And they are NOT afraid of you. Guard all personal items and food with extreme care and at your own risk.)

And so, we arrive back to 'merica. To keep this part short...It was good.


Ok, to make it slightly longer.....from October 4th to January 12th I was no where for more than 2 weeks at a time. California, Montana, California, Cuba, Massachusetts, California (north), Montana, California (south), Washington DC, South Sudan. You get the idea.

I got to be around for my 2nd niece's birth in October, see many family members, have a GREAT trip to Cuba IN SPITE of (cough, cough --stupid America's) current political sanctions and blocks on travel to Cuba. It is not a trip to be expressed via social  media (though I did do minimal posts) so feel free to ask me about this one when next you see me.

Christmas, time with family, and just eating and resting well,

 were all healing and restorative. Sometimes rest is all that one needs and sometimes an appropriate context to enable pivotal decisions to be made is needed. In my case, both were needed during this time. In my mostly 3 months around the US I was reminded that I am a valued, purposeful, interesting, and uniquely made member of society (something that was not always felt in the previous 15 months).

The Lord has walked with me through all areas of my life and I have recently been moving through new territory. My recent working experience as I mentioned, was challenging to say the least, and watching where I landed when I came out of that was totally unpredictable to me. Ya know, sometimes you just know that you know something and it is relatively easy to advance in that particular belief.
Then, other times, you are faced with a choice of believing what you think you know based on your personal experience, OR believing that which someone else tells you is the truth of the matter. Well, if you know me, I am not exactly someone seeking other's opinions, a bit more apt to seek, ask questions, challenge, and find my own perspective on things.
Thus, one resulting question I was left debating after my 'character building year' (as I now refer to it) in said island nation, was how to reconcile what God says about Himself in the Bible with my perception of the experiences I had there.

Sometimes to grow, we have to hit our boundaries. I definitely hit an outer bound in the box I put God in. I will spare you my analytical mind, but all this to say, growing can be hard, and painful, but also very rewarding and exciting stepping into new territory. Thus, I have spent the last few months trying to understand how to realign my perceptions of my experience with what I claim I believe. Simpy put, getting what I say and what I do on the same page. I have not yet arrived at this place, but I feel much lighter after the 'house cleaning' God and I have done, and well prepared to step into the next 'thing' of life.

Having said all that, I just want to handout the encouragement to all of you to take the time for yourself every so often to BE STILL. To CLEANSE your mental, spiritual hearts and minds. Western culture does not place high value on these things. It only de-values you when you suffer the consequences of NOT doing these self-care actions. When you can't handle stress well, are easily angered or frustrated, not continuously in wonderful spirits, etc. But also don't kid yourself, all the best motivations, inspiration and perspective come from knowing and interacting with Jesus Himself.

Ok, so writing this from South Sudan, how am I here you might ask? Well, good question, I am still a bit in shock as from the time I became aware of the job I am doing to when I was boarding a plane was 7 days. From the time I was offered the job to when I was on a plane was less than 5 days. Fast. ya. To put it simply, as I am still in progress of this part of the update, I had planned to start a completely different job in early January, my expectations changed so that I contacted Medair to see if they had a short term posting I could help fill and volia, here I am. I also might add that my entry permit was the fastest one they have ever gotten (in less than 48 hours) when they have hundreds of rotating staff in the country, that is the Lord making away!

Ok, I would say that is quite enough for one update. More on my current location next time.

Warmest regards to all you back in winterland parts of the world from our 80F winter!

Please stay in touch and forgive any terrible grammar and spelling in this post. I just needed to get it out!

From your over analytical, slow postin - but fast workin',
Jessica

Cyclones, Seasons, and Attitude.

Hello all,

I hope the past few months has seen joys, challenges over come, lessons learned and life lived for you. I have indeed had my share, 2017 has been a particularly challenging and unusual year (though I am sure all of us could say that for every year of our lives). I have had many unexpected (and unwanted) lessons and am still working on learning the lessons of some current challenges.

My "I can't believe I was up at 4am to get here  and walk 30km
and now they are making us wait 1.5 hours before starting" face.

Because of this, this blog posting is going to be a mish-mash of thoughts, stories, and possibly some ranting. You have been warned.

Professionally, we have almost managed to get to the end of cyclone season here in Madagascar, with only a mild beating from cyclone ENAWO on March 7th-9th. This cyclone hit right along where we have one of our bases on the northeast coast of the island, and because of this, MEDAIR became a focus for all other agencies to work with and thru because we were the only ones who already had an established team, know the area, transport, etc. This has proved both good and bad. In the first few days and weeks, it was an incredibly stressful, fastpast, and well, emergency response setting. We were able to do good assessments on the ground, guide/advice other UN branches and NGOs in knowledge of the area. Additionally, we received significant media attention and financial benefits from the situation to be able to respond to the needs in the area.

Ready, set, go

Just as a side note, again and again, when I have been present in an area where there is high media attention (i.e.Afghanistan, Madagascar during a cyclone emergency, Israel, etc.) I find again and again how mis-represented both the heart of the situation is, as well as the statistical details. This saddens me, as I like to think that media help us be aware of what is going on in other parts of the world and look to the needs of others rather than keeping in our own little boxes. I hope this continues to be true, but felt it was worthy of a comment, as you all follow world news, realize that you are truly missing the life of the moment as it is taken, analyzed, discussed, and re-created into that which media outlets 'see-fit-to-print', 'give-a-balanced-perspective-of-the-world', 'open-our-eyes-to-the-truth'. Ok, enough on my personal advice to you to thoughtfully consider that which you take as fact and truth.

So, while I have only been in Madagascar 10 months (as of Wednesday), and would not claim to have even a good understanding of the culture in this country, I feel I have at least earned the right to my own observations and opinions. I would recommend it as a travel destination (as you can see it is beautiful), but not necessarily as a living destination. That said, I have met many people (recently) who truly love living here.

 I have to say well done to Peace Corps for their work here. It is one of the very few countries in the world where I have been where most people have a very good opinion of Americans and start speaking to me in the local language when they find out I am American. This is largely due to the major Peace Corps presences here, inclusive of good language training for their volunteers.

Perceptions of French and English speakers are very contrary to what I would have expected. A significant motivation for my coming here was to work on studying French, and I had the original understanding that French was a common language throughout the country and people would be easy to communicate with if only I could get my self together and SPEAK FRENCH!


Wrong.

I now know, my previous assumptions were completely wrong in every possible way.
A. When I start speaking French high educated Malagasy can tell I am American almost immediately because they have studied English and perhaps work with other Americans, or at least can hear I am not French by my accent. (me? what accent?!)

B. If I speak French with a low educated Malagasy, such as a taxi driver, they either assume I am French and start chatting away, or can hardly speak French themselves, so even my efforts at French don't get us very far. But to my great satisfaction, native French speakers can't get much further speaking French with most taxi drivers than I can (I probably take too much joy from this).

C. Your average Malagasy on the streets of the capital city can speak some French, but would far prefer to learn/speak English because of what I can call the 'generational hang-over' from colonialism (French colonialism obviously). There is an underlying distaste for the French presences here. While it is far from outwardly hostile or dangerous as it is in some other post-colonial countries, and some people may deny it entirely, I see it and it is interesting to observe it in the mannerisms of many locals toward French in authority in the country. And rest assured, there are still plenty of French in high places here. This maybe to large of a generalization, but all I am saying is that you CAN see it in some places, surely not everywhere. Many city born, low earning Malagasy also see English as their way to higher earnings and way to connect with the outside world and are eager to learn.

I love this. The high-tech hikers, with the local lady in
barefeet, with probably 10+lbs on her head!! Amazing!

D. If you go out anywhere in the bush (basically outside of the only large city, the capital, you are in the bush) and you are a white person, they think you are either a tourist or if you seem local enough and white, they think you may be a Peace Corps member (i.e. American) and thus trained in the local Malagasy language and start speaking to you in Malagasy.

So all in all, communication is not the easiest thing in the world here. Forget being articulate, just figure out which melange (mix) of languages you will use with a person or group.

Add in the aspects of the culture that it is a conflict adverse (Asian cultural influences I think), non-planning culture (a common aspect of developing nations). So you constantly have situations where people have no understanding of what you meant, but they say they understand and walk away, or completely disagree with what they think you said and go away upset without confirming what you meant, or times when someone actually understands - but disagrees - but does not say a word because they are avoiding conflict. This has the potential to build --until they explode, quit, gossip, or you guess right about what they are thinking. Of course this is not true for the entire population, and over all it is a very, very docile population (all the sunshine maybe?) but these are still very evident characteristics of the culture. I hope I gain a deeper understanding of their logic before I leave.

Still feeling ok and enjoying the local encouragement
as we pass thru villages. 

Of course, as I prefaced, I do not claim to be an expert and I am learning more all the time about the culture. For those of you who have not heard the analogy, culture is like a giant iceberg, you only see about 10% on the surface, but under the water you have 90% more to discover. I dont even know the 10% on the top which is supposed to be obvious, like wedding and holiday traditions. I always like to say, I know I have asked a good cultural question if the person looks at me like I am stupid, with a face that says 'are you seriously asking me that? How can you not know the answer to that?". This is when I know I have touched on what is so intuitive to them (and I have no clue) that it is a piece of culture. Anyway, I dont wish to give a bad impression. Those who know me well have known my struggles here and I am working my way thru with the incredible grace and mercy and patience of my wonderful savior Christ-Jesus, without whom I would have jumped ship after the first month, and it might not have been a figure of speech then.

Ok, on to happier times. In case it hasn't come thru yet, I am going to hike Mt. Kilimanjaro. At least that is the plan. May 23rd I start up the mountain with a small team and a couple of other random tourists I have yet to meet. (The offer still stands for anyone to join me. You know, in case you are fit, motivated, and ready to jump on a plane to Tanzania in 2 weeks!! :)) It was a surprisingly spontaneous decision, and I am not one to go back once I have made a decision. I may wish I did though. Time will tell. I bad the decision and started the physical training the week of the cyclone (perhaps the cyclone hit me harder than I thought). Never the less, I have persisted in my training and reading, shopping (yes, lots and lots of shopping had to happen for every

Ok, no longer fun around 5 hours. major blisters and aching feet. 

piece of equipment from sunglass cord to jacket for the arctic climatic zone at the summit, and everything in between.) Thanks to my parents for trying on all mannerism of clothing item over skype to help me decide on items to send to a colleage's parents in North Caroline who were coming to visit her a few weeks ago and were willing to bring a duffle bag full of stuff to a compete stranger. this i when I know my logistical training is coming in handy in life.

Physical training was not as challenging in the ways one might expect. Though, as I had a broken toe in December, and really had not yet gotten back into regular exercise I was definitely starting from way below my normal fitness level and trying to surpass any level I have been at before, on my own...with out a team or coach or normal gym...during a cyclone response....in the field for several weeks at a time. So actually, yes, that was challenging. I always have had great respect for elite athletes and marathon runners etc, but now I have all the more insight and respect for them. Training can be challenging, but to be motivated to do hard training again, and again, and again, and just keep pushing and pushing, is truly HARD WORK!

My motivation started to die about 3 weeks ago. After I had gone thru all the training in the field, shopping and try on sessions with family, decisions about flights and which routes up the mountain, which travel company, which dates, how many days of hiking, etc. etc. etc. Yes, I could have pulled out.....but hey, life is an adventure, I am strong, fit, going to Tanzania already, have put in so much time effort and funds, lets do this and do it well. Like most travel, it has ended up significantly more expensive than originally expected, especially for a vacation in a developing country.

I have stayed the course, literally and figuratively and I am sure I will enjoy the great outdoors, the physical challenge, and speaking English for a full week no matter what else happens. But I do hope to have many good stories to share with you from that trip.

I finished 31km/19.2 miles in about 6 hours 26 minutes.
done. Now for Kilimanjaro I need to do that long of a walk
 about 6 days in a row. No problem  

The planning has also given me significant motivation to find other ways of training than the gym, fitness videos, and staying in town. So I have been able to do a couple of cool hikes that I might not have done. For example over Easter Weekend with some friends we hiked the 2nd highest peak in the country (the highest is not accessible currently) Peak Bobby as it is known. Also, yesterday in fact, I did a local event called UTOP, where you can do a 120km, 65km, or 31km course. I did the 31km course in just under 6 hours 30 mins, mostly walking, but defiantly had the heaviest pack of alll 1500 participants, as I was using it as a training session for my Kili gear. So I loaded up my backpack with 10km, about 20 lbs. and set off. It was very enlightening, as was the Easter hike about which body parts still need some work. In March was my back-side and my calves, yesterday I found my feet and shoes need to be sorted a bit better in the next two weeks before I take off.

Well massaged and oiled legs with my bag and race bid,
in the taxi on the way home. 

Ok, I think I have bored you enough with my current state. I love hearing from anyone interested enough to read through all this and even if you just skipped to the end and are reading this, keep me updated on you corner of the globe.

While I am not sure how much longer I will be working here I am always watching for where the Lord will lead me next and will surely be back in CA in July for my gparents 60 anniversary celebrations! Be in touch!

May hope, joy, and peace beyond understanding be yours, along with God's guidance and faith to step past your own personal 'impossible' line, each day.

Until next time,
Jessica